Charles Barkley proves that if you try hard enough, you too can be a dumbass

This is this JSW’s forst ever ‘Video of the Week’. There was no way I could get a version of this without that stupid EJ’s intro, but just roll with it if you can. I also apologize if you have already seen this, I’ll make up for it later in the form of, what else, a mass number of Otter Pops. But don’t worry, I throw out the purple ones because they are essentially a frozen tube of cough syrup that make me more nauseous than Rosie O’Donnell on a Slip-N-Slide. Anyways, here it is:




Now I know what you are thinking: “This looks insanely scripted. I call Horse Malarkey on this one!” I understand your sentiment, but I just don’t see this as something Chuck Barkley would do on purpose. I know he is in those incredible Fave 5 commercials with Dwayne Wade that are the most hilarious, creative, and thought evoking commercials to come out since those commercials that started with, “I, Love, Football on TV.” But I have the feeling that this compulsive gambler draws the line somewhere.

Third Deck of Dolphins Studium Home to Three Most Powerful People in Sports. NHL Commissioner Bettman Also Makes Appearnace

Every May, the commissioners of the four major sports, Roger Goodell (NFL), David Stern (NBA), Bud Selig (MLB), and Gary Bettman (NHL) come together at the annual Commissioners Conference each year at an undisclosed location. No one knows where it is, what is said, or the finger-food that is served. It is widely speculated that the commissioners, or “The Big ‘C’ Posse” as they liked to be referred to, talk about the state of professional athletics in America, how they can improve their respective sports, and quite possibly who will be voted off Flavor of Love next. It’s really anyone’s guess.

However, that speculation has ended today, as I was the first non-Commissioner in the history of this summit asked to sit-in on this annual historic event. Actually, I wasn’t asked. Lets just say I was just at the right place at the right time. Everything written below is entirely true. Only the dialogue, places, and the meeting as a whole were slightly altered. So, here it is, an excerpt from the 2008 Commissioners Conference last Saturday which was held, surprisingly, in the place where no one
would expect them to be. The one place where no one would ever think to look. The quietest, most secluded alcove in all the country. Yep you guessed it. The third deck a Dolphin Stadium in Miami during a Florida Marlins game! That’s me on the right there. The only reason that the meeting was held DURING a game is because the janitorial staff that cleans the stadium usually outnumbers the amount of fans at the stadium. So here it is, an excerpt from the 2008 Commissioners Conference in Miami.

RG- ROGER GOODELL
GB- GARY BETTMAN
DS-DAVID STERN
BS- BUD SELIG


BS: Hey guys, I’d like to thank all of you for coming out to this meeting.

RG: No problem, Bud. Anything to get away from that redundant draft coverage talk on ESPN. I think Mel Kiper was in my dream last night! We were having a lovely chat about how the Chiefs had the best draft out of anyone. The thing was, we were both riding alligators in the middle of the Arctic Tundra! And I was naked!

DS: Umm. Yeah. It’s nice to be here too Bud. At least somebody is focusing on their job and not reptilian ice excursions with the greatest hair in sports.

RG; Yeah whatever Stern, look who has the highest grossing league in the country!

DS: You really wanna do this?

RG: Bring it elf!

BS: Whoa guys, just chill out. We have a lot to cover today. As you all know, the state of American professional sports is on a rapid increase in profits, but also a rapid increase in morals. What with all of the money, scandals, and performance enhancing drug use among the major problems facing our respective fields of play.

DS: Yeah, you said it Bud.

BS: Oh, David, below the belt man. You know this is a rough time right now. I mean, who is Clemens going to boink next? My wife? HA! Even Clemens couldn’t slay that dragon. He he he he

RG: Actually Bud, ummm.

BS: What?

DS: Well, you see. Remember when we had the Commissioners Conference in Tijuana last year?

BS: Yeah, well, as much as you can remember TJ. HA! Am I right boys?

DS: Yeah, yeah. Good times, good times. Well you see, the thing that happened was, umm…

RG: Don’t tell him David!

BS: Tell me what?

DS: Well, you see, remember when you drank the water and went to your room early? Well, you see, we ran into Roger Clemens of all people, doing his “Tijuana T-ball League” stuff, we were talking, and him and Betty must have…umm…

BS: Aww DAMMIT! This is awful. You gotta be kidding me. If he wasn’t already having the worst month of his life, I would find a way to make this the worst month of his life! Because there is nothing worse than having the worst day of your life be compounded thirty more times. I’m gonna make sure he burns for this one!

RG: That’s ice cold Bud. Speaking of which, where the hell is Bettman?

GB: What up A-holes?!

RG: Gary!

DS: Hello Gary.

BS: It’s about time Bettman.

GB: Sorry I’m late guys, I just had sex with Roger Clemens! HA! You must be in hell right now Bud!

BS: You have no idea. GOD DAMMIT!

GB: What’s the old guy’s problem?

DS: You don’t want to know Gary

BS: All right, lets get this meeting started. We don’t have much time here.

GB: Yea, the janitors are going to find us! Jesus Bud, don’t they at least DUST the seats up here?

RG: Easy Gary, at least this Bud’s league gets ratings.

DS: And is played by more than 3% of North America.

GB: Hey! My sport may not be that big, but at least I have the Drunk-Canadian–Hooligans-Over-the-Age-of 12-Demographic. Suck it gremlin!

DS: What is this? Elf!? Gremlin!? I fuckin’ hate you guys. I still don’t know why I still come to these things.

BS: Easy munchkin. Now, can we just get to our preliminary reports out of the way? It’s already the sixth inning for God’s sake. Roger, since your league’s second day draft coverage gets higher ratings than Gary’s 4-OT Playoff thrillers, why don’t you go first.

GB: (motions toward his genitals)

RG: Well boys, times are tough in the NFL. I’m still looking for a loophole that would reinstate Pacman Jones into the league. In really think he has turned a corner in his life.

BS: Really?

RG: Fuck no! The only playing time that guy is going to get is if he creates a player on Madden and names it after himself! Oh, who am I kidding, video games are so real these days, he’ll probably still get suspended! Lets see, what else, oh! Well, our draft went well, but I am now a little weary of Darren McFadden going to the Raiders. With him and Jamarcus Russell in the same backfield, they could score 70 points a game. But don’t worry boys, they play in Oakland, I’m sure there’s some way this can end up catastrophic.

DS: Well let’s hope it doesn’t come to what Tagliabue did when Moss went there.

RG: What?

DS: Oh, you don’t know? Yeah, Paul paid-off Moss and told him to give a half-assed effort and look all ‘washed up’ for a couple years. And in return, he would engineer a trade to the best team in the league if he kept his mouth shut.

RG: Really, I had no idea.

DS: How else can you explain those two seasons in Oakland? The man is more explosive, dominant, and more dynamic than the possible lovechild of LeBron James and Maria Sharipova! Can’t believe Tagliabue never told you.

GB: He never told me.

DS: Shut up, Gary. I’m still not sure why we still invite you to these things.

GB: I got two words for you Stern: Seattle SuperSonics.

DS: That wasn’t my fault.

GB: Oh yeah Stern? You are so weak. Even Spud Webb calls you his bitch!


RG: Guys! I’m not done yet. Anyways, I’ll keep a watch on this whole Oakland situation. I mean, remember the whole ‘tuck rule’ incident in the AFC Championship game? I got this under control to make sure that locker room goes crazier than Jon Daly at the (***)Stripper/Cigarettes/Sleeveless Shirt convention. Moving on, after burying some of those dogs and turning all of his friends against him, I think I should lay off Michael Vick. I think I’ve made it clear to him that if he wants to unpause a game of NFL Blitz on Nintendo 64 while I get up to get my Pepperoni Pizza HotPocket, he’s got another thing coming.

BS: You wouldn’t believe the shitstorm I’m gonna unleash on Derek Jeter if he ever goes back on my Facebook and changes my status from “Bud Selig is ready to party!!,” to “Bud Selig is suckin’ dong!!!:)” You guys just wait. Anyways, I just have one question, why are you making the players cut their hair, it’s a bit much.

RG: Oh, the hair thing? Well, I did it for two reasons. One being that I was jealous of Al Harris and the other guys growing

out their dreads and looking so awesome, and when I realized that I was a Ginger Child and was destined to lead a life of boring, unnatural, undreadlocked hair, I got a little pissed. And two, I was just bored and looking for a way to have the NFL being covered every day of the year. It’s not enough that our season is five months long which is preceded by a month of draft coverage and two months of mini-camp/trade rumor coverage. Ya know?

BS: Genius. Anyway, it’s playoff time right now, what have you got for us David?

DS: Well, I managed to make my archrival, Mark Cuban, suffer yet another insanely harsh wound for the third year in a row. The first year he believed he could actually beat D-Wade and Shaq, so I told those two and Pat Riley to lay down for the first two games, then turn on the jets! What a douche! Then last year I told our old friend Donnie Nelson to tank a little in the beginning of the regular season so they could pull off the greatest playoff upset in history. Classic! Then this year I didn’t have to do anything. Nobody can stop CP3 and the Hornets right now. Anyway, I just finished off the plans to rip the hearts out of SuperSonic Fan and send their team to the number 45 TV market, Oklahoma City, when I...

GB: Wait, I have to interrupt here. Why would you take a beloved team with a rich history and just put them in a market that doesn’t make sense? I just don’t get it David. Why did you do it? Why did you do it David?

DS: Why did I do it? How could I take a team out of a city and put them in an illogical market? Gary, are you KIDDING ME? YOU TELL ME WHY YOU TOOK THE WHALERS OUT OF HARTFORD AND TOOK THEM TO FUCKING NORTH CAROLINA AND CALLED THEM THE HURRICANES, HOW YOU TOOK THE NORTH STARS OUT OF MINNESOTA AND SENT THEM PACKING TO DALLAS FUCKING TEXAS,! HOW YOU HAVE A TEAM IN PHOENIX AND TWO MOTHERFUCKING TEAMS IN THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES GARY!!! Oh, what’s that down the road from here? Is that the St. Pete Times Forum I see? ISN’T THAT WHERE THE TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING PLAY GARY? THE FUCKING LIGHNING GARY!!!

GB: Holy shit Napoleon, take it easy. Let’s talk about this somewhere else, Bud and Roger have places to be.

RG: Yeah, I have a reinstatement meeting with Pacman Jones to get to.

EVERYONE: Really?

RG: NO! God, its just too easy sometimes. And even if I did, I would send a drunk Pat Summerall there to take notes. You were saying David?

DS: Well, before I was rudely interrupted, I would like to take this platform to announce the launching of my new program entitled the NBAPBAA, also known as the, “National Basketball Association Players Battling Anorexia,” program. It’s really not that big of a deal, it’s more or less an outreach program for Tayshaun Prince. That’s about it.

BS: (raises his hand)

DS: Yes Bud?

BS: Now, I know you guys give me crap for all the drugging in my sport…

RG: You can say that again.

BS: Oh shut the hell up Roger. It’s only a matter of time before the NFL goes through the same thing. Hey, at least one of my players didn’t get caught with a fake dick and a bag of urine, i.e. Ontario Smith of the Vikings with his, what do they call it, the , “Whizzinator?” (If you need background on that, go here: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2057990) Anyways, as I was asking David, I know I get a lot of crap for drugs in my sport, but how do you respond to Josh Howard’s recent admission of using marijuana in the off-season?

DS: God, I am way too baked to answer that question.

RG: I told you Ricky Williams had some dank stuff!

GB: Oh, for sure!

DS: Yea, shits definitely off the chain. Um, anyways, uhhh, what was the question?

BS: Forget it, we are at a Marlins game for God sakes. If I wasn’t tripping shrooms right now, I could’ve sworn I saw the Marlins owner Jeffery Loria send off their two best prospects in Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis.

RG: Umm, Bud. I hate to break the news to you…

BS: No I was kidding. It’s just the biggest mystery that a team has won the World Series twice, yet never won their own division with the most self-destructive owner in the history of modern sports.

RG: Yeah, who instated the Wild Card anyway?

BS: Not funny Roger. Anyways, it’s the eighth inning, we need to get going. Gary, it’s playoff time for you, right?

GB: Bud, that’s a funny name. BUD! HA ha ha! I get it!

DS: BUD! That’s a riot Gary!

GB: Yeah whatever leprechaun. Anyways, the playoffs are going excellent I’ll have you know. The break out star and one of the most recognizable and most talented young players is still in the hunt in Sidney Crosby, or as I like to call him, “The Guy Who Is Going To Bring the NHL Back Into The Forefront Of Professional Athletics In This Country.”(***)

DS: Think of that yourself?

GB: No. That’s just what everybody is saying so I copywrited it. So don’t use it! Anyways, two of the “Original Six” are still in the playoffs in the Conference Finals of each of their respective conferences, bringing some familiar faces and name to this year’s playoffs. And ratings are up a little and with these new outdoor games being played on network TV, hockey looks to be on the rise again. Coupled with the fact that the next Wayne Gretzky is coming into form as well. No controversies. No drug scandals. Just playing the game right now. Like sports should. Oh, and before I forget, when every playoff series ends, the teams still, to this day make two straight lines and shake each other’s hands. It’s some old-fashioned stupid ideal of ‘sportsmanship’ and ‘respecting your opponent’ or something like that. That’s about all that I got right now. Any questions?

RG: No

DS: Uh, no Gary.

BS: No.

GB: Okay now, great. Bud, I believe it’s you turn to give your report.

BS: Actually, the game is about to end and I’m a little embarrassed OH! I mean tired. Plus, you guys were there at the congressional hearing and have probably heard all of it by now, I’m not sure what else I can bring to the table. Any questions though guys?

DS: Yeah I got one Bud. Do you think, after all this drug scandal and everything that has come with it and most likely some of these cheaters are going to end up in the Hall of Fame, what kind of chance do you give Pete Rose, one of the greatest hitters the sport has ever seen?

BS: About as much chance as that ET impersonator Sam Cassell has with my wife!

DS: Well, the funny thing about that one is, well,…

RG: Don’t tell him David!

_________________________________

That’s about all I got before I had to leave. The janitorial staff was coming after all…

__________________________________________________________________________________________
I hope you guys enjoyed this weeks poll question on the NBA Playoffs. I’ll try to make that an everyday thing. But I would Like to introduce this weeks ‘Link of the Week’ I stumbled upon this website getting the images for this weeks post. It’s a website dedicated to pictures of professional athletes getting drunk. It's pretty classy. Here is the site:

http://www.drunkathlete.com/

If you have any 'Link of the Week' nominations that feature a funny picture or video, feel free to post them on the Facebook group. You will be rewarded with a shout out and and otter pop of your choice.

I couldn't get the picture on, but check out the picures of Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash together. Also, Ben Roethlisberger is pretty funny too.

Denver Sports Fans More Depressed Than, "That time Elway and Jesus were found to to separate people"

AND NOW, PRESENTING THE FIRST FTB (friends of the blog) POST BY THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND, FLICKNATION aka THE FREAK aka FLAVA FLICK THE ONE, THE ONLY ROBERT FLICKER:

As I was returned to Chapman from my giant blur that was my spring break, I looked at my phone and was delighted to see that I had received a call from “J Lenny” while I was gone. So I gave him a ring a ling, and after our casual yet breathtaking half an hour of animal phone sex that we do every time were on the phone (I was the lion and he was the cute tiger cub that would do anything to move up in the animal kingdom) Jim offered me a proposition. He told me that I was the one that he wanted me to lead the revolution. A revolution so grand that it will give Gannon Parker faith that he one day may dunk again. (If you are wondering about why I said again, you must of forgot the epic finish in 5th grade slugfest when the titans gold triumphed over titans maroon….world changing stuff). So anyways he gave me the opportunity to lead the FTB (friends of the blog) with a blog post of my own. And I had to take a moment. Why? Why has God (Jim…(we also have a lot of religion phone sex)) given me this monumental opportunity/responsibility? And even more importantly, what should I use this golden platform to talk about? There are so many possibilities….Baseball….the NBA….the NFL draft….or I could simply just use this article to rip on Adam Knaster. (I sense a growing happiness from the readers who just read that last option). I consulted my best friend about this issue…Captain Morgan. He wasn’t much help, because whenever I ask him for advice, his answer is getting naked and making out with ugly chicks. Although that may have been a good read (certainly one David Mullen would have been interested in), I felt that the blog was above such juvenile immaturities that are infested in the godforsaken MTV/Flavor Flav/Oprah Winfrey world that I love. So what then, what????

And then it finally hit me. I would tell the tale of a city and their sports fans. The woe that has overwhelmed the 303

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. (hey that IS kind of catchy, Thank you only reading the first pages of books in AP Lang. And they said I wasn’t paying attention). For the first time ever in the Mile High City, the Denver Broncos were the least talked about sports team. After another very mediocre season from the donkeys, the inhabitants of the drunkest city in America found that they can get shmammered and let that Coors beer belly hang out at other sporting events. The days of waiting for football season had ended. The Rockies were just coming off of a season where they finished with an unbelievable 21-1 streak and actually made it to the World Series (which I believe means that hell has actually frozen over). The Nuggets were proving to be the most sporadic yet also the most dangerous team in the league. Finally, the Avalanche decided that they were going to make a championship run by calling there alumni list from the Stanley Cup years and seeing which ones were still alive and asking them if they remember how to skate. But it worked, and they marched into the playoffs with confidence that the cup would be in Colorado once again. (Or possibly in Sweden as Forsberg uses it as his fruit bowl or where he stores his leftover kidneys, I am not too sure). Yes those were the days.

And then reality started to set in.

Baseball season started and the Rockies showed up as the sub .500 team they were before their miracle run. Decent offense, mediocre starting pitching, and a bullpen that might possibly be calling for me in the next few weeks. Then all the hope that is stirred within the Colorado community (probably because of all the drugs we do), turned to the playoff action. The Avalanche stormed past the Wild, Theodore was looking unstoppable and we were a confident team, truly believing that we would be able to contend with the hated Red Wings. What people forgot was that the Red Wings had been destroying us all season long. People were quickly reminded of this in the first two games of this series. And finally the Nuggets. Oh the Nuggets. Personally, I would rather have Raef Lafrentz honky-ing it up on the court, than watch a bunch of “female dogs” who are currently attempting to set a few records in the hall of shame. (Most technical’s in a 4 game sweep, most whining (currently held by the spurs), and most tattoos EVER (I can’t even tell now if the guys on our team are black or just inked up)). This is the thanks I get for, as Jim would say, tooting Denver’s horn all year round. This is the reality I faced.

This was the harshest reality check I have had since 1997, when Papa Flave (Howard Flicker attorney at law) gave me THE TALK. This is the talk that turned my world upside down and crushed every spirit in my soul. No not that talk (you sick minds). I was a lone trooper in that field with only a bottle of lotion and a roll of toilet paper to guide me. The talk I am referring to is when Papa Flav told me that because of my genes, I would never become a professional athlete and I need to concentrate on my schooling (true story). So as you may assume I was crushed. Just as I am now, a little lost boy in Southern California, watching his teams continue to lose via ESPN’s Gamecast (trust me there is no more brutal way to watch a team lose by seeing a little basketball graphic going into a cartoon hoop).
So what do I do? What do we all do in such desperate times?


Hey, there is always football season.

NFL Draft Coverage Proven To Be More Repetitive Than, "Bueller, Bueller..."

Okay, I’m only going to say that April was tough people and I thank all of you for staying with me. Like when Hillary stayed with Bill even when he did the thing with that intern and it sorta blew up. You guys have stayed with me through the tough times and you will be rewarded like when the Colorado Rockies rewarded me last October for all my years of loyal service. I appreciate how you guys keep it interesting with me, like when Rachel got back together with Ross, even though he liked her when she didn’t like him and then she liked him but then he kinda moved on with that other girl and thought he was over her but then still had feelings for her that just wouldn’t go away which made the other girl mad and somewhere along the line he got a monkey? Yeah, just like that…


I come to you al today with a recap of the NFL Draft. Now, I know what you are all thinking: “Oh boy, I love the NFL Draft and all the coverage that comes with it. I just love that guy with the gelled hair, um, what’s his name? Mel Something? Anyways, I just can’t get enough of his insights and it’s such a shame that the draft isn’t on TV and show’s like Around the Horn and PTI don’t do enough of that coverage. GOD, IF ONLY THE DRAFT WERE EXAPNDED TO TEN ROUNDS COULD MY LIFE BE COMPLETE!!!!”

Okay, there may have been some sarcasm in that previous sentiment. But, I swear on this one, if any of that rang true for you, there is a problem. Why? Because the coverage of the NFL Draft and the week leading up to it has become my least favorite aspect of professional sports in America. The fact of the matter is that they said the same thing over and over again for nine days straight, and it was getting absolutely outlandish. Now I’ll admit I watched a little bit of the draft to see one of two things:

1.) Who my team picked
2.) Who the New York Jets picked.

For a Team that went 4-12 last season, you know Jet Fan was hungrier than ever to have a good draft. However, I love Jet Fan on draft day because they have nothing better to do with their lives than to sit around Radio City Music Hall screaming at the top of their lungs one of five things:

1.) J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS!
2.) NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
3.)BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
4.) OH NO!!
5.) GWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

I love it. Don’t believe me? Think I’m exaggerating? Well take a look for yourself:




Just try and watch that video without stupidly giggling. I’m just so surprised that I can laugh so hard at another person’s perpetual pain.


Giggling aside, I’m still a little angry at ESPN for making the NFL Draft so big and giving it so much hype that there is no way the draft can live up to the drama. I guess it’s not their fault that they actually get decent ratings on this event, but there is just something wrong here. I mean, when you think about it, the draft is five or six guys sitting around a table playing one big giant game of ‘Guess Who?’

While I feel for the analysts who have to cover this marathon event for ESPN, they could say just about anything and no one can really be held that accountable for what they say because it is entirely speculative. While it seems impossibly hard to have so many opinions on so many players and what system they would fit in with what team, just take a look at this sample template that I have devised to make anyone sound like they know what they are talking about.

“Well, they need a (insert random position here) who can (insert cliché football skill), so I think they are going to draft (insert player who plays that position and their college). The team won’t tell who they are going to pick, but I think they could also go with (insert player) out of (insert corresponding college) . If they don’t go with (first player), they may also go with (insert big name player everyone knows) who (pick another cliché term. It really doesn’t matter)

Think I’m wrong? See if this sounds familiar:

“Well, they need a defensive end who can “shoot the gaps”, so I think they are going to draft Chris Long. The team won’t tell who they are going to pick, but I think they could also go with Glen Dorsey out of LSU . If they don’t go with Chris Long, they may also go with Darren McFadden who “is the most complete player in this draft.”

I swear I’ve heard that exact sentence maybe a thousand times in the past week on any sports-oriented show on TV or radio in the past week.

Or there’s this one:

“By drafting (insert player) the (NFL team) definitely addressed their need at (position)”

“ By drafting Malcolm Kelly the Redskins definitely addressed their need at wide receiver.”


It’s just so easy to sound like a draft expert, and I think it will definitely add a little more realism to my John Clayton Halloween costume. I mean, every wide receiver has “good hands” and “great speed”. A running back is either “lightning fast” or a “power runner”. A quarterback either has “good arm strength” or “makes great decisions”. That’s the reason they are in the draft. Their good hands, good speed, or understanding of the spread offense. I mean, you never see Trey Wingo say, “Wow, and the Dolphins select so-and-so from blank university. I don’t know why they drafted him guys. He has no speed, is a cancer in the locker room, and only one working eye.”

Its just crazy. It almost drives me as nuts as when college football analysts say a team plays “smash mouth football.” No I know you guys have heard that one before. What is that? Smash mouth football? Are there teams out there who don’t hit or tackle? How stupid do you think I am?

However, in that same token, I do love when an analystst says a team or quarterback has “moxy”. If anyone ever said that I had moxy, I’d feel compelled to hug them. However, with that hug, I would lose all my hard-earned moxy. Gotta love it.(for more information on this term, look no further: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=moxy)

Even as I hurriedly type this article to get it out to the loyal citizens of JSW, the cut-in line on SportsCenter was,” And Mel Kiper joins us to tell us whether McFadden will end up like Reggie Bush or Adrian Peterson? Also, will Tim Tebow go #1 in the 2009 NFL Draft?” I watched that segment due to the fact that I am currently posted up on my couch with no remote control and getting up is just not an option right now. And you know what the network had the nerve to do? HAVE TODD MCSHAY DO HIS 2009 MOCK DRAFT!!!! I’m feeling a Jet Fan-esque outburst right now. GWAAAAAAHHHHH!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! I just endured a week of “Who are they going to pick?,” and, “Who fits this need?,” and, “How many times a day does this guy take a dump? How will this affect his game?” It’s absolute horse malarkey!

I’m over it right now. Stop with the draft coverage. There is the NBA and NHL Playoffs right now. It is baseball season! Ronaldo just got caught with transvestite hookers! Talk about anything else before I loose it ESPN!.


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Side Notes:

-If you haven’t joined the Facebook group “Yeah, I read Jims blog for the articles (wink)” in order to get up-to-the-second updates on the latest happenings in the JSW Stratosphere, I suggest you get on that. Big ups on FlickNation for the hustle on that.

-It’s official, I AM A PROPHET!!! One my previous post, I said this of the NCAA Final Four Championship game: “I'm going out on a limb to say that this game is decided by 3 points or less. It will potentially be won on the last shot. I just have that feeling tonight.” If this game didn’t go into overtime, I would have definitely quit school and B-Lined it to the Sports Book at the MGM Grand and be on sports the rest of my life. No that I wanted to toot my own horn or anything…

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-I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO LAUNCH THE FTB (Friends of the Blog) PROGRAM IN JIMS SPORTS WORLD!! ON THE OUTSET, THIS WILL ENTAIL GUEST ARTICLES FROM THE INAUGURAL FTB OF JSW, ROBERT FLICKER. NOW I BET YOU ARE ASKING, “HEY, I’VE GOT AN OPINION JIM! WHEN THE HELL CAN I GET ON THE SITE?” I TELL YOU ALL THAT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CREATE INCENTIVE FOR ONE TO DO THIS, BUT IT MAY REVOLVE AROUND GETTING MORE PEOPLE INVITED TO THE GROUP AND EXPANDING THE REVOLUTION. ADDITIONALLY, YOU WILL PROBABLY HAVE TO PERFORM AN ACT THAT DISPLAYS
YOUR LOYALTY TO JSW. A PLATE OF BROWNIES OR JELL-O SQUARES WILL SUFFICE. KEEP UP THE COMMENTS ON THE GROUP PEOPLE, AND MAYBE YOU WILL GET A GUEST COLUMN OF YOUR OWN. REMEMBER, DREAMS CAN COME TRUE….

I am indeed sorry for this April drought. My first article was entitled ‘Hopefully I Don’t Hit the ‘Rookie Wall’. Thank God that didn’t happen.

Editor of 'Jim's Sports World' is asked to "...not pull this s&*t ever again!"

Okay, okay I get it. I’m sorry. I messed up. I took advantage of you guys. Listen, I just took a week off for spring break, and then I had the busiest week of my life last week. But that’s not your guys’ problem, and it shouldn’t be. However, this break didn’t go without perpetually thinking about you guys. Trust me, when I was hanging out with my friends I was thinking about you guys the whole time. I promise. I just took a break. C’mon, IT’S ME WE ARE TALKING ABOUT! But I swear I will make it up to you people. And I didn’t mean to say “you people”. It just came out like that. I just want you all to know that this wasn’t supposed to happen. I mean, here I am getting all of you hooked on the site, and I pull this on you? That’s not me guys. That’s not American.

So this week will be a pretty epic on the blog, I can’t lie about that. I have big things planned for the site, and I’m going to be tweaking some things that can get you guys involved a bit. I have received numerous constructive criticisms from people telling me to get off my couch and start taking this thing to the next level (although I will admit this is being written on my couch. so I’m not sure what to make of this) You guys know who you are.
For the first post of this week, I am going to give you guys a little something.

You may like it, you may not like it.

You may laugh, and you may cry.

You may think less of me, you may consider being my personal assistant. (I am now accepting applications. No shemales please. That’s just uncomfortable. An affirmative action process will only be applied to midgets, especially if you are a member of the KISS Midget Cover Band. I love those guys. )

You may find it entertaining, or be horrifically offended. I’m not sure what’s better.

So here’s what’s up. This past week, a I have done a number of things. One of those things was a stand-up comedy showcase for college students in St. Louis. Now since it wasn’t on YouTube, I couldn’t put it on the site, but I was able to download this weird icon that takes you to the site if you click on it.




If is doesn’t work for some reason, my set can be found here: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/events/college/watch/JimLeonardMissouriFunnyBoneRegional

Oh, and if you want to see something indsanely hilarious, check out the guy named Eric Javorski on the site. He is this really nervous guy who got plastered before the show. Only thing is he thought that his nerves would go away with each successive drink. In fact the nerves were made worse with every bvisit from Jack Daniels, Jose Cuero, and the rest of the gang. Its like Flight of the Conchords in that it is kinda funny the first time, but each time you see it, it gets even funnier. Especially when he tell the crowd "C'mon, thats funny!" Enjoy all of you.


Once again, I am sorry for my actions, and I’m just going to tell you all, to quote Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting, “Keep ya ear to the grindstone.” Stay tuned for more people.
Oh, and my prediction for tonghts game. Overall, I got Kansas, who just looks untouchable right now. I mean, they were up 40-12 on the Tar Heels, who, I have been told, was not considered to be one of the pushovers this tournament. I'm going out on a limb to say that this game is decided by 3 points or less. It will potentially be won on the last shot. I just have that feeling tonight.

Rockets win 22 in a row, despite Yao being held scoreless, reboundless, assitless past 10 games

We all thought that when Yao went down late last month, the general consensus around the league was, “Well, that sucks. Looks like T-Mac will never make it to the second round.” Say whatever you want, but the only people that thought that the Rockets would continue their winning ways were the Rockets and the sole member of the Luis Scola Fan Club…

Okay, that was my opening paragraph and headline for my draft of this weeks post. I thought it was up to my standards of writing and something that I wouldn’t mind being identified as my own. In short, if that opening paragraph came up to me in 20 years and said, “Are you Jim Leonard? You are? That’s crazy because I’m Kate Hudson’s son and she finally revealed to me that you are my father,” I would be proud and accept that opening paragraph in my life. Just to give you guys an example of how I feel about that opening paragraph.

The post was originally going to reveal how I thought the Rockets’ streak was a crazy feat in sports and I was eventually going to have quotes of people who have had notable streaks in sports and their thoughts on what the Rockets are doing. For example, I was going to have:

The Widow of Joe Dimaggio(56 game hit streak): “The record is nice, but try doing it during the Great Depression…pansies.”

That would have been entertaining and fun and I’m sure it would provide some relief from the stress of school, your smelly roommate, or the anxiety that can be attributed to Hillary Clinton running for President.



However, I decided to get a little curious about that sentence I wrote in reference to the “Luis Scola Fan Club.” I wrote that because I wanted to purely emphasize that no one really believed in the Rockets, not to spark an adventure that would change my life. It was this adventure that has changed my view of the world and the Chinese language in general. (that will totally make sense later. trust me). It was this adventure that I wish to share with you hoping to make a positive impact on people’s lives. I didn’t plan on changing you guys or the world forever with the content of this post. But as I have learned in this life you cannot pick your time to be a hero, and I guess my time has come on this damp Monday afternoon by which I am still undergoing my personal recovery mode from a Saturday night whose plot line resembles something like a blank MadLibs sheet.

And now, my crazy afternoon Luis Scola adventure…

So I was getting curious about the last sentence of that opening paragraph that I love so dearly and a thought dawned on me:

“Could such a player of Scola’s status actually have a fan club? I mean, it is 2008 and you can find just about anything on the internet these days.”

This then lead me to Google “luis scola fan club” on a whim just thinking that if there is a God, this greasy Argentinean will have some site run by a creeper in Buenos Aires who also sells stolen items from the home of Manu Ginobili on eBay. On this Google quest, I did not find a site filled with high quality pictures, articles, and flashy highlight montages, which left me a little downtrodden. And I hate being downtrodden. Almost as much as I hate being browbeaten(actual word). However, I DID FIND A SITE THAT OFFICIALLY CALLS ITSELF “Luis Scola’s Fan Forum, at http://www.talk-sports.net/nba/fan.aspx/Luis_Scola.


Thank you God.



So, I naturally joined the site, hoping to chat with other members who just can’t get enough of the Scola. They accepted my application, which only took a name and location. Now I was in! They really aren’t too picky about who the members are, just as long as you bring positive vibes and an obsession with the greatest Argentinean player in the history of teams that have won 22 straight games. The site features great user comments that are just a hoot. I actually got in on the fun and posted the last three comments posing as two different people where one called for the lovechild of Scola and Manu to be the second coming of Christ, while the other guy freaks out a little. Feel free to contribute to the conversation after you join the fan club. It’s definitely the place to be. I was in awe that there are people who actually comment on this page and are Scola maniacs! The site again is http://www.talk-sports.net/nba/fan.aspx/Luis_Scola. (This should be hyperlinked, unlike last posts where you would have to copy and paste it to your browser. I’m not going to lie, I feel so lame for using the terms ‘hyperlink’ and ‘browser’ in the same sentence, let alone on the same day. I’ll get over it though) For example, one user said:

“MVP ROOKIE OF THE MONTH!!!! (February)
GO SCOLA…GOOOOOOOO!!!!”

And…


“Mr Scola, you're my rookie of the year, just bought your jersey last sunday. Your first start as a center againts Utah.
You might see me in the 106 section, I saw how hard you try to push up the team, and I screamed histerically when you fell down try to blocked the big giants in Utah team in the 4th.
My best wishes for you from me and my husband, we officially your big fan now, though my husband a bit jealous since I wear your jersey everynight ;)
And one more thing, it seems you're a little bit lucky if shave the beard before the game. :p”
Those made me laugh at first, but then apparently this fan club is a family affair which was made apparent with this post:

“NO WAYYY. HE PLAYS BETTER WHEN HE DOESN’T SHAVE!!!!
By the way, I bought the first jersey with his name, jajaja
I’m his uncle

These we all good. And I was just having a dandy time reading these to validate the fact that there are some people in this world who are truly rooting for this guy. But then I saw this comment, and it gave me hope that I may not be alone in this quest to get everyone involved with the Scola man on this post:

http://luis-scola.blog.sohu.com/ (you should be able just to click on this to get there. Sorry if it's messed up.)


Could it be? Could someone have beaten me to the punch and is attempting to start a coup of his own with an obsessive Scola website? I visited this site and realized that "Scola Mania" was bigger than me, or anyone else for that matter. This website officially became the one of the greatest things that I have ever laid eyes on, second only to this hand-dryer I used at Wendy’s today that seemed to have a leaf-blower engine in it and dried my hands instantly, which can be seen here on the right. I timidly explored this website like a haunted house in a Scooby Doo cartoon, not knowing what was going to come next. I was also legitimately scared because I also thought for some reason that my computer could get some sort of virus just by being here. For the record, it's fine to visit, and I would recommend it to friends and family alike. But if you want a handy guide on exploring all that is the Scola Mania website, I’ve compiled a lit of tips for you (if you are working on a PC, the site loads really fast. but for some reason, if you go to the website on a mac, the site's main page just perpetually loads, which is why you need the buttons):

- If you click the little man icon on the left, it will take you this wired profile page where it appears that you can write a message to either Scola or someone in the future by clicking on the pencil on paper icon.

-If you click on the booklet icon next to the little man, it takes you to a Chinese blog post that for some reason has nowhere to click in order to get the full post. I realize that even if I could access this post, I still couldn’t read it, but I’m just saying that it makes this site look really unprofessional.

- If you click on the TV icon, you are taken to some Chinese kids social networking account, which is some sort of Myspace of something. It just makes me feel akward.

- If you click on the film strip icon, you are taken to this video highlight page I’m assuming. It takes forever to load, which I’m not patient enough for. It seems as though this site is a work in progress and in need of a full time staffer. I’m finding a way to submit my resume.

-If you click on that little orange rectangle by Scola’s head, you are taken to my new favorite blog. I think this is where the creeper in Buenos Aires airs his unconditional love for Scola, Manu and the Rockets. I cut-and-paste a paragraph into FreeTranslation.com and it was a delightful read. This is so getting a bookmark.

So there you have it. My crazy adventure featuring Luis Scola. Special thanks to Luis Scola’s uncle, the nation of China, Lance Armstrong, and that creepy lady in section 106 who commented in the fan forum.

Scarred? Me too.
Confused? Right there with you brother.
Inspired? Your welcome.

Brett Favre, Nintendo 64 Legend, retires.

Brett Favre, Nintendo 64 Legend, retires

I liked Brett Favre. What’s not to like? Who wouldn’t love that good ‘ole boy from the South that could make something out of nothing, illustrated by his sometimes unorthodox shovel passes that were essentially 5-yard ‘hail-mary’ flips to his halfback when everything, except the completion of the pass, went completely wrong. Favre was a consistent sports figure in my life that you could always count on for his rookie-like exuberance, that chinstrap that hadn’t been updated since the 70’s, his awesome, yet seemingly unfair Wrangler commercials as he is shown at the end playing a pickup football game. I also like the shot of him in a huddle drawing up a play. I could just see him in real life saying, “Okay, just run a Z-14 stunt play action 45 curl. On one,” and everybody just nodding. I know you guys have seen the commercial on TV, but I was able to find a copy of a different version of that commercial, which went unaired, in which they pick the teams for this epic two-hand-touch battle. It went something like this:

1st Captain Larry: Umm, I’ll pick….uhh….let’s see……Brett!

Brett: Awesome Larry! Wow, first pick! Don’t worry, with these Wrangler Relaxed Fit Jeans, I’ll be just like one of the guys.

Larry: Well, until you break my hands with a pass. They’re pretty zippy.



Brett: Zippy? Who in the hell uses zippy? I was thinkin’ more like ‘bad-ass’ or ‘legendary’. But zippy?

Larry: Sorry Brett.

2nd Captain Tom: Well since Dan Marino isn’t walking onto this stereotypical farm field, or out of that stereotypical red farm truck, I’m beginning to think these teams are a little unfair.

Larry: Tough titties Tom. Should’ve gotten first pick.

Brett: Easy Zippy, let’s not get into a fight right before the game. I mean, I’m wearing Five Star Denim Jeans from Wrangler on my farm. Because as well all know, everybody who talks diff’rent has a farm, a truck and a few dogs, as this commercial presents.

Tom: If my jeans weren’t Wrangler jeans, the greatest goddamn jeans in all the land, I’d come over there and rip your kidneys out and sell them on the black market!

Narrator: Wrangler…Real. Comfortable. Jeans.


While the commercials were and his toughness were great, my favorite quality about Brett Favre was that he had the guts to get flushed out of the pocket and rocket the ball 70 yards down the field as if you were playing NFL Blitz and you have three seconds left before halftime.


Even if he overthrew the receiver on these plays, he always had that expression after the throw as if to say, “I can throw this ball like a Vortex with whistles on the side. I’ll smile now, but I would have no problem throwing out my arm on the next pass as long as it embarrasses you and every member of your family.”
Among all of his accomplishments and all-time records, I think the most important statistic is that he played in SUB ZERO TEMPERATURES that made any viewer at home say, “Dude, eff that! I would never go out there!” I mean, do you think that Peyton Manning could do that? If you do, check his record in Foxboro. Additionally, I feel as though the consecutive start streak made him the only guy in football who actually earned his paycheck. In a true testament to his stability and longevity, I am remembered of one of the first football video games I ever played as a younglin had Brett Favre on the cover which was NFL Quarterback Club 98 on Nintendo 64. Classic.
There were plenty of highlights in this career. I remember when he played out of his mind on Monday Night Football just days after the death of his dad. I remember when he high-fived that referee after a touchdown pass. I remember that divisional playoff game against the Niners, which was a great game, and is remembered most by TO’s touchdown catch with the announcer going, “OWENS! OWENS!” (This was before he was TO, and was ‘Terrell’ who backed-up the likes Jerry Rice and NFL legend JJ Stokes. No, there is no typo there. Rice was a second tier receiver at best. Don’t kid yourself) And while I could go on an on about how Brett is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, and how he is a character that cannot be duplicated (despite all those stupid comparisons that Tony Romo receives compliments of anyone that is on ESPN, which annoys me), I would like to focus on a part of Favre’s career that is consistently overlooked, as is true for most athletes, which is:

The athlete movie cameo.

Out of all things God has created, the athlete cameo is sandwiched in between Tostitos Scoops and the iPod on the list of amazing things this world has seen. And Favre was no exception as he had a cameo of his own in “There’s Something About Mary.” While it didn’t make my Top Three Athlete Cameos of All Time, I feel as though a cameo in any movie is the coolest thing an athlete can do besides get paid millions of dollars to play a game and receive more millions for every time he or she wears a pair of Nike shoes or drinks a Gatorade.
The only exception to athletes being cool in movies is KAZAAM featuring Shaquille O’Neal, which is in a category all his own entitled “Top One List of Athlete Cameos that Changed my Life and the Way I Looked at Cinema in General” I realize that the List name is of more length than the list itself but KAZAAM is just that special. God what a great film.

The Top Three Athlete Cameos of All Time

3: Lance Armstrong in “You, Me, and Dupree.”
This brief cameo made me laugh so hard that I’m pretty sure that I lost a testicle in tribute to Lance himself. (That’s not a cancer rip, but rather a testament to Armstrong’s manliness and my admiration of him.) In case you didn’t see this movie, the basic context is that Matt Dillon is imagining Owen Wilson (Dupree) seducing his new wife (Kate Hudson, who coincidentally is my future wife. awkward.) and Lance Armstrong asking Dupree if he needs any butter for this encounter with Hudson. This alludes to Dupree using butter in an unspecified fashion while seducing a young woman earlier in the film. Brief, but terrific.



2: Lance Armstrong in “Dodgeball”
I got chills when I first saw this scene. And every subsequent time I see it. If you don’t like Lance Armstrong, you will now. If this clip doesn’t do the trick, then you are most likely a Communist. I hate to see it go #2, but that shouldn't take away from this scene. I especially like when he says, "Yeah that's me."




1: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in “Airplane”
Okay, I don’t expect a whole lot of people in this day in age to have seen this movie. However, it is an amazing film and it just goes to show you how far this country has come in terms of politically-correctedness, whether that is good or bad is your call. Anyways, the basic outline is that Kareem is a co-pilot on this plane. This is definitely a movie you need to see before you die.



Well there you have it. My Top Three Athlete Cameos of All Time. If you have any suggestions or problems with this list, let me know. While I think I did a damn good job, I realize I am a little biased to like myself…and KAZAAM.

Editor of 'Jim's Sports World' reportedly hopes to be "As famous as that shifty Asian guy from American Idol"

Okay you guys, I have never been one to toot my own horn. In fact, I have no idea where my horn is because I toot it so infrequently. But, as all guys know, whenever we have a brush with celebrity, we need to milk it for all its worth. Especially when you are on ESPN NEWS! This past weekend, I visited longtime friend and notable alumni of Cherry Creek High School Luke Schafer at Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa. Now I know probably what some of you are thinking:
1.) Why would you go to Des Moines?
2.) Is Luke really a notable alumni?
3.) Did you sit next to any Amish people or skinheads on your journey?

The awnser to all of these questions are:
1.) For the view,
2.) Not really,
3.) Yes to both. The Amish guy’s name was Neal, smelled like a form of BO I never knew existed (because the Amish don’t have access to deodorant or workable noses) and we talked about how he hides a radio under his bed and listens to George Strait at night. He also likes to drink Jack Daniel’s and, I quote, “Get fucked up and lay in the grass and watch the stars.” TRUE STORY! On the other hand, me and the skinhead didn’t talk…but he looked like a LeRoy from my observations. I mean, what was I supposed to say, “So…you’re a Hitler fan huh? How’s that going? Want some Chex Mix I bought from the vending machine?”

But anyway, back to not tooting my own horn. Well, on my visit to Drake I saw the No. 20 Drake Bulldogs take on the Shockers from Wichita State. Yes, you heard me right. Drake is 20th!!! (Oh, and the mascot for Wichita gives me a nice belly-laugh as well. HA! Shockers! Too good, too good.) Well, while there are many things I could address, like Drake being the best story in college basketball with being picked to be 9th in the Missouri Valley Conference to winning it, I am instead going to talk about my ONE SECOND OF FAME!!!

Yes, you heard me right. If you go to this link, you will see me on the right and Luke on the left three rows up behind the fat girls wearing blue crowns while Adam Emmenecker goes into the crowd. We aren’t sure what we were yelling or pointing about, but we look pissed. But before you go to the site here are some instructions so you don’t miss this great moment:

1.)GO TO THE LINK
http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?videoId=3272483&categoryId=2459792

2.) LOOK AT THE TIME ON THE VIDEO TO THE LEFT OF THE VOLUME THINGEE

3.) WAIT UNTIL THE FOURTH CLIP WHEN EMMENECKER GOES INTO THE CROWD

4.) STOP THE VIDEO WHEN THE CLOCK READS 1:34. (not 1:33 or 1:35, you will miss it.)

You will see two guys on the right three rows up looking insanely awesome. I couldn’t put the video online because ESPN doesn’t let you download the videos like YoutTube. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but you should just focus on not letting this new found fame get to my head. I’m thinking long-term on this whole “fan in the stands” movement I got going on for me.

Residents of Nevada County said teen's stunt was 'More lame than the Great Depression'

Here are the ingredients for this week’s blog:
1.)Some psychopath in Reno who is under the impression he is athletically gifted.
and…
2.)Me stuck for four hours at the Kansas City Greyhound Station. Let’s pray I don’t try crack for the first time because its insanely cheap and I need to prove to these people that I’m just “one of the guys”.

Alright, I promised earlier that I would touch on this subject a few posts ago, and me being a person of my word, I think I can arrange for that. I have been following this story for about a month, and now there has been a huge break in this situation. And since I have some free time on my hands the stars have obviously aligned for me to sit on a bench and write this while a guy with a few teardrop tattoos below his right eye looks over my shoulder. (This means that he not only went to prison, but HE KILLED A FEW GUYS WHILE HE WAS THERE! In retrospect, they should have just given him their fruit cocktail. I know you don’t get all your vitamins without it, but you gotta make sacrifices in the joint.) In case you have no idea what I’m talking about, here is the story as it stands thus far:

A senior at Fernley High School outside of Reno named Kevin Hart signed his letter of intent at an all-school assembly in front of a few media outlets to play for the University of California, Berkeley over the University of Oregon.

-This normally wouldn’t pull national headlines, EXCEPT THESE SCHOOLS HAVE NEVER RECRUITED/MET/SEEN/ this kid! This created a few questions in my mind when I heard about this story initially, such as:
-If that wasn’t an official letter of intent Hart signed, then what exactly did he sign? Did he just type this thing up himself? Where did he get those hats that he had on the table?
-How will this kid handle a semester of high school? Even the kids who don’t speak English are going to give you crap for this.
-How do you plan on making any money after high school? I say this because you are now known as “That kid who lied, then lied some more.” I know that if I was hiring at the local Dairy Queen I would hire the guy with the ankle tracking device over you. At least if this guy calls in sick I can look up where he is. With you, it’s a real toss up and I don’t know if I can trust you.

This creates a natural conflict. I mean, how can you play for a Pac-10 powerhouse if the coach isn’t aware that you exist? While coaches are humans who make mistakes, I do not think you can Jedi-Mind- Trick your way onto the roster big guy. Could you just imagine if he actually went to the first practice at Cal:

Hart: “I’m glad to be playing football for you this season Coach Tedford.”
Coach: “Who are you again?”
Hart: “I’m Kevin Hart, sir. From Fernley? Oh, I think I know what happened. You saw my recruiting tape and it probably blew YOUR MIND! Right? Am I right?”
Coach: “Hart….Hart. Umm, well I don’t see you on my roster. So that means only one thing?”
Hart: “A typo?”
Coach: “No, it means that you have five seconds to get out of here before I get every burned-out, methed-out, HIV positive hippie bum roaming the streets of San Francisco and tell each and every one of them that you have a bag of Jerry Garcia’s ashes up your cornhole and the first one to find it gets three hits of acid and the opportunity to be my starting holder against UCLA this weekend. Do I make myself clear?”
Hart: “Oh coach, you crack me up. Like that time you sat in my living room and told me that funny joke right before offered me a football scholarship to play for you. Remember?”
Coach: “ONE….TWO.”
Hart: “Okay, I guessed you called my bluff. So I guess this goodbye, coach?”
Coach: “THREE…..FOUR.”
Hart: (running as fast as an untalented fraud form the Biggest Little City in the World can)

Hart then claimed he was tricked by a man who said he was in talks with the universities, and that he was the victim. However, when it came out he was a liar and asked to provide information for this supposed “middle-man” Hart could not provide a name, phone number, or address for this guy. It now appears that this “middle man” is either invisible or has incriminating photos of Hart. You never know these days.


A police report is filed to find this man, but Hart then confesses the whole thing was a desperate try to play D-1 football. Way to come forward, Kevin, but it probably would have just been better to buy NCAA Football 2008 and just create a player with your name. (I do it all the time. It is the only time I can have biceps and a barbed wire tattoo.) C’mon, go wild with it, Kev! You could give this digital “you” top score on the speed but also make him have a rocket for an arm. OH! And “you” could have a visor, too! It seems weird, but would you rather dominate college football in your basement or be possibly facing charges of filing a false police report. It’s your choice, but I would rather lead Fresno State to another NCAA title (I took them to the Sugar Bowl in '04. It was insane) while only throwing to a player inspired by a cross between Champ Bailey and Jesus while we share the MVP award, than going to court. Call me old fashioned.

Obviously, without the coaches hearing about this kid, there is no way he is going to play football there. Additionally, judging by how smart this stunt was, I do not feel as though he makes the admissions requirements for the University of Missouri-Rolla let alone such prestigious state institutions as Cal and Oregon. This making Mr. Hart the biggest liar since Rafael Palmeiro stood in front of congress saying, “I have never, ever, used performance enhancing drugs. Except for Viagra, which totally affects my performance. You know what I’m talking about Senator McCain.”

It now comes out last Thursday that Hart is now filing a $20,000 defamation lawsuit against the Lyon County School District citing that the whole station was blown out of proportion, and that they are, “Trying to make [me] a scapegoat in the embarrassing hoax.” I don’t understand this. He? Wants money? It’s obvious that this kid doesn’t think things through…at all. The only thing the school district did was believe this kid and invite media people over to the school and called an assembly. Just a quick piece of advice: when you make your school look stupid, and there is video evidence of it, you aren’t sitting pretty.
And the worst part of this is, Hart has a lawyer, Ken McKenna, who actually took this case. This guy is a real piece of work when he said, “Kevin really did pull off, I guess, one of the greatest pranks on Fernley High and the school district and the community of Fernley.” The greatest prank on Fernley High? What was the last senior prank? Did someone let three hookers loose in the hallways numbering them, “1, 2, 4,” so everyone is looking for the #3 hooker? I’m just saying, whatever happens in Reno obviously stays there.
McKenna then went on to say, “The sad part now is that some adults don’t like being embarrassed and they want a scapegoat. They want to hang it on somebody rather than laughing it off and saying ‘got me’” No, that isn’t the sad part. The sad part is that you find a way to dress yourself every morning, let alone found a way to pass the Nevada Bar Exam. I think a lesson can be learned here:

If you are stupid, do not get someone even stupider than yourself to try and help your situation out. It only leads to crushed dreams and Maury Povich telling you “When it comes to three year old YoLanda, you ARE THE FATHER!” Cue the black lady yelling “I said you donnit! You so stupid!”

The bottom line here: Hart lied and deceived a bunch of people, including the police department. The difference between this and most “senior pranks” is that you aren’t supposed to lie to the cops and make up imaginary people. Take whatever comes to you Kevin, and man up for what you did.

Studies have shown that Bruce Pearl still likes breasts

For those of you who missed the No. 1 Memphis Tigers take on No. 2 Tennessee Volunteers last night, I feel sorry for you.

Not because the game started out with a combined eight 3-pointers in the first six minutes of the game (with Memphis scoring it’s first 9 points with the long ball) which made it seem like this wasn’t going to be a chess match, but an all out slugfest. (think Fight Club meets a one-on-one game between Kobe and Jordan)

And not because you would get the opportunity to see all the people who paid $10,000 to sit courtside only to have their hopes, dreams, and bank accounts CRUSHED!

And not because you missed a hell of a game that featured a Number One pinned against a Number Two from the same state, Derrick Rose showing that he isn’t overrated, and Dick Vitale there to guide you through all the madness, baby!

No, I am sorry for you because you missed this halftime interview:


(if the clip is messed up somehow, go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsGCItJ7q4I)

Ever since I saw Janet Jackson in the Super Bowl Halftime Show, I have learned to stick around for a little bit for the halftime of sporting events. I don’t know what it is, but it has almost become as instinctual as breathing or sending hate mail to celebrities. (Damn you Rachel Ray!! Stop yelling in your cooking show!!) And this time I was rewarded for following my instincts.

When ESPN first cut to the halftime interview, there were a few things that the males watching across America were saying:
“Wow, she looks hot! I would definitely let her have my children!”
or…
“I wish my mail-order bride dressed like that.”
or…
“ Why the hell is Bruce Pearl there?! Dude, just mute it so we can just look at her.”

However, after Bruce pearl exclaimed, “Hold him! Drape him like this!” and got his greasy, loud, much-too-tanned hands on Erin Andrews’ top shelf, every man in America, no matter your opinions on feminism or women’s rights were saying the exact same thing:

“OH MY GOD! DID THAT JUST HAPPEN? (processing pause, …then) ATTA’ BOY BRUCE!!! I WOULD KILL TO BE YOUR HANDS!”

You see, there is another instinct us males have. Whenever we see one of our own totally go above his attractiveness scale, we are forced to congratulate him (high fives and pounds mandatory), and then proceed to get a little jealous. It’s in our blood.

After viewing the clip a few times online, I have decided that Bruce Pearl has a very expressive face, while Erin Andrews has a…ummm…face as well (I think. I’m not sure if I’ve ever actually looked at her eyes. She’s got blonde hair, right?) So I have taken in upon myself to analyze this short segment of film to tell you what they are really thinking.

EA: WHAT HAS MEMPHIS DONE TO CHRIS LOFTON IN THE FIRST HALF?
her mind: god this man smells like Slim Jims and whiskey. kill me now.

his mind: bada-bing, bada-boom! i can see it now ‘Erin Andrews Pearl’. that sounds better than a slim jim right now. oh crap the question! quick, say something awesome brucie!
BP: HOLD HIM!
his mind: great response. now gaze her in the eyes and grab that silky number she is wearing. c’mon man you are bruce freakin’ pearl. hey, it worked with pat summitt.
BP: DRAPE HIM LIKE THIS!
his mind: gotcha!

EA: OKAY.
her mind: where the hell is my mace! i never should have left rachel nichols. she would know what to do. rachel nichols is so fine.

BP: RIGHT?
EA: ALRIGHT

his mind: oh god this is on film! quick, say something ironic!
BP: UHH, THEY ARE DOING A GOOD JOB OF MAKING HIS TOUCHES DIFFICULT.

her mind: i wish I could do the same thing. that’s pretty ironic.
his mind: she so got my irony. god I am so freakin’ ironic. now ask her a question. turn the tables on her a little bit, huh?

BP: WHAT A START TO THE GAME , HUH?

her mind: ass!
his mind: did it all with no wingman!

If you stop the clip at exactly 0:06, you will see an image that will prove all of the above is true.

(There is also a Joe Namath clip if you remember where he tells Suzy Kolber that he wants to kiss her. Vintage Broadway Joe : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQqIQyT-RuM)

NBA Legend Jamario Moon defeated by Superman and cupcake in Dunk Contest.

Yes, another NBA All Star Game has come and gone my friends. However this year, unlike last year, went off without a hitch (except for TO winning MVP of the celeb game. Just when I thought I had a break, he just comes out of the bushes BOOM!) There were no strip club shootouts, riots, or monkey knife fights in sight. However, there was one thing missing: ME WATCHING.

However, I did tune in to an event involving NBA players messing around, not playing defense, and treating the event like a glorified practice. I TOLD YOU, I DIDN’T SEE THE GAME!

But rather, I partook (or is it partaked? spell check is underlining partaked right now, and there it goes again! I feel stupid using either) in one of my favorite NBA All-Star weekend traditions besides not watching the game at all. Instead, I watched the dunk competition, presented by Sprite. And that, my friends, was probably one of the biggest names associated with the event.

Now there were other big names in the three-point contest (Dirk, Nash, and The Peja as I like to call him) and the all around bisexual shooting contest (Duncan, Stoudamire, and of course BJ Armstrong made an appearance) featuring a current NBA star, an old star from that team, and a WNBA player from that city. By the way, did anybody see David Robinson miss about seven 10-footers off the glass, but then proceed to nail the half court shot on his first try to put San Antonio in the lead? The Admiral completely revived himself there.

However, besides Dwight Howard, there was a total lack of big names at the dunk contest again this year, which is starting to become more of a tradition than the dunk contest itself. This year featured marquee names like defending champ Gerald Green, Rudy Gay, and Jamario Moon. While the dunk contest is really hit or miss some years, there were two moments that I feel defined the event for me.

1.) The cupcake
When Gerald Green’s T-Wolves teammate Rashad McCants came out onto the court with a rather peculiar white box, I was thinking one thing: “Hey, that’s a pastry box!” After the overly roided-out homophobes in the area chastised me for using the phrase “pastry box” while watching a sporting event, I was quickly redeemed when McCants unveiled the, what I like to call, “nuclear pink cupcake” from its oversized box.
“See! See! I told you it was a pastry!”
After the initial shock of seeing a cupcake, I knew that this event was going to be earth shattering. Probably because it involved all of Dwight Howard’s 265 pounds leaping from the charity stripe, which leads me to my next defining moment.


2.) The Superman Dunk.
All I can say about this is that there are few things in sports that have left me completely speechless. Among them is Roger Clemens throwing that bat at Piazza in the World Series, that skateboarder flying 50 feet in the air only to come down flat on the quarter pipe only to have his shoes catapult off his feet, the WNBA, and Dwight Howard’s dunk. The second I saw that huge monstrosity of a human essentially flying through the air and throw that ball in like he did, I witnessed a rage that I hadn’t seen since I saw Hulk Hogan pass a kidney stone. True story.

And what, you ask could make this event even better? Well, I have the solution for you right here: make it a complete freak show. I mean, if the serious players aren’t going to compete, then go the opposite way with it. It’s basically like the Surreal Life but with way bigger freaks. For example, if the NBA chooses to adopt my freak show format, I already have the first four freaks lined up to take the 2009 Dunk Contest. They are as follows:


1.) Vlade Divac
Everyone knows this guy was one of the goofiest, greasiest, hairest foreigners to ever suit up. He also had a gripping cameo in the 90’s hit Space Jam, so you know Vlade knows how to put on a show. Need I say more? So why not stage the comeback Vlade? Give the fans what they want!


2.) Air Bud
The fact of the matter is, Air Bud is an American hero. Period. Additionally, you gotta give the dog props for being the Bo Jackson of dogs with his cross over athleticism. Think about it, after he did basketball he ventured off to soccer with “World Pup” and then over to football with “The Golden Receiver”. And who could forget his Oscar Nominated performance in “7th Inning Fetch”? Plain and simple Air Bud makes Deion Sanders look like he was playing INTRAMURALS, BROTHER!


3.) The lead guitarist from the Midget KISS cover band
They are already playing my wedding, so why not? And everyone likes to see midgets fall.



4.) Dikembe Mutumbo
While odds are against him, I told Dikembe the only way he could do this is if he dressed up like Frankenstein.

So there you have it, the Freak Show lineup for the 2009 Dunk Contest. I have the feeling that this is one of those once in a lifetime ideas, like the guy who invented the urinal.