Every May, the commissioners of the four major sports, Roger Goodell (NFL), David Stern (NBA), Bud Selig (MLB), and Gary Bettman (NHL) come together at the annual Commissioners Conference each year at an undisclosed location. No one knows where it is, what is said, or the finger-food that is served. It is widely speculated that the commissioners, or “The Big ‘C’ Posse” as they liked to be referred to, talk about the state of professional athletics in America, how they can improve their respective sports, and quite possibly who will be voted off Flavor of Love next. It’s really anyone’s guess.
However, that speculation has ended today, as I was the first non-Commissioner in the history of this summit asked to sit-in on this annual historic event. Actually, I wasn’t asked. Lets just say I was just at the right place at the right time. Everything written below is entirely true. Only the dialogue, places, and the meeting as a whole were slightly altered. So, here it is, an excerpt from the 2008 Commissioners Conference last Saturday which was held, surprisingly, in the place where no one
would expect them to be. The one place where no one would ever think to look. The quietest, most secluded alcove in all the country. Yep you guessed it. The third deck a Dolphin Stadium in Miami during a Florida Marlins game! That’s me on the right there. The only reason that the meeting was held DURING a game is because the janitorial staff that cleans the stadium usually outnumbers the amount of fans at the stadium. So here it is, an excerpt from the 2008 Commissioners Conference in Miami.
RG- ROGER GOODELL
GB- GARY BETTMAN
DS-DAVID STERN
BS- BUD SELIG
BS: Hey guys, I’d like to thank all of you for coming out to this meeting.
RG: No problem, Bud. Anything to get away from that redundant draft coverage talk on ESPN. I think Mel Kiper was in my dream last night! We were having a lovely chat about how the Chiefs had the best draft out of anyone. The thing was, we were both riding alligators in the middle of the Arctic Tundra! And I was naked!
DS: Umm. Yeah. It’s nice to be here too Bud. At least somebody is focusing on their job and not reptilian ice excursions with the greatest hair in sports.
RG; Yeah whatever Stern, look who has the highest grossing league in the country!
DS: You really wanna do this?
RG: Bring it elf!
BS: Whoa guys, just chill out. We have a lot to cover today. As you all know, the state of American professional sports is on a rapid increase in profits, but also a rapid increase in morals. What with all of the money, scandals, and performance enhancing drug use among the major problems facing our respective fields of play.
DS: Yeah, you said it Bud.
BS: Oh, David, below the belt man. You know this is a rough time right now. I mean, who is Clemens going to boink next? My wife? HA! Even Clemens couldn’t slay that dragon. He he he he
RG: Actually Bud, ummm.
BS: What?
DS: Well, you see. Remember when we had the Commissioners Conference in Tijuana last year?
BS: Yeah, well, as much as you can remember TJ. HA! Am I right boys?
DS: Yeah, yeah. Good times, good times. Well you see, the thing that happened was, umm…
RG: Don’t tell him David!
BS: Tell me what?
DS: Well, you see, remember when you drank the water and went to your room early? Well, you see, we ran into Roger Clemens of all people, doing his “Tijuana T-ball League” stuff, we were talking, and him and Betty must have…umm…
BS: Aww DAMMIT! This is awful. You gotta be kidding me. If he wasn’t already having the worst month of his life, I would find a way to make this the worst month of his life! Because there is nothing worse than having the worst day of your life be compounded thirty more times. I’m gonna make sure he burns for this one!
RG: That’s ice cold Bud. Speaking of which, where the hell is Bettman?
GB: What up A-holes?!
RG: Gary!
DS: Hello Gary.
BS: It’s about time Bettman.
GB: Sorry I’m late guys, I just had sex with Roger Clemens! HA! You must be in hell right now Bud!
BS: You have no idea. GOD DAMMIT!
GB: What’s the old guy’s problem?
DS: You don’t want to know Gary
BS: All right, lets get this meeting started. We don’t have much time here.
GB: Yea, the janitors are going to find us! Jesus Bud, don’t they at least DUST the seats up here?
RG: Easy Gary, at least this Bud’s league gets ratings.
DS: And is played by more than 3% of North America.
GB: Hey! My sport may not be that big, but at least I have the Drunk-Canadian–Hooligans-Over-the-Age-of 12-Demographic. Suck it gremlin!
DS: What is this? Elf!? Gremlin!? I fuckin’ hate you guys. I still don’t know why I still come to these things.
BS: Easy munchkin. Now, can we just get to our preliminary reports out of the way? It’s already the sixth inning for God’s sake. Roger, since your league’s second day draft coverage gets higher ratings than Gary’s 4-OT Playoff thrillers, why don’t you go first.
GB: (motions toward his genitals)
RG: Well boys, times are tough in the NFL. I’m still looking for a loophole that would reinstate Pacman Jones into the league. In really think he has turned a corner in his life.
BS: Really?
RG: Fuck no! The only playing time that guy is going to get is if he creates a player on Madden and names it after himself! Oh, who am I kidding, video games are so real these days, he’ll probably still get suspended! Lets see, what else, oh! Well, our draft went well, but I am now a little weary of Darren McFadden going to the Raiders. With him and Jamarcus Russell in the same backfield, they could score 70 points a game. But don’t worry boys, they play in Oakland, I’m sure there’s some way this can end up catastrophic.
DS: Well let’s hope it doesn’t come to what Tagliabue did when Moss went there.
RG: What?
DS: Oh, you don’t know? Yeah, Paul paid-off Moss and told him to give a half-assed effort and look all ‘washed up’ for a couple years. And in return, he would engineer a trade to the best team in the league if he kept his mouth shut.
RG: Really, I had no idea.
DS: How else can you explain those two seasons in Oakland? The man is more explosive, dominant, and more dynamic than the possible lovechild of LeBron James and Maria Sharipova! Can’t believe Tagliabue never told you.
GB: He never told me.
DS: Shut up, Gary. I’m still not sure why we still invite you to these things.
GB: I got two words for you Stern: Seattle SuperSonics.
DS: That wasn’t my fault.
GB: Oh yeah Stern? You are so weak. Even Spud Webb calls you his bitch!
RG: Guys! I’m not done yet. Anyways, I’ll keep a watch on this whole Oakland situation. I mean, remember the whole ‘tuck rule’ incident in the AFC Championship game? I got this under control to make sure that locker room goes crazier than Jon Daly at the (***)Stripper/Cigarettes/Sleeveless Shirt convention. Moving on, after burying some of those dogs and turning all of his friends against him, I think I should lay off Michael Vick. I think I’ve made it clear to him that if he wants to unpause a game of NFL Blitz on Nintendo 64 while I get up to get my Pepperoni Pizza HotPocket, he’s got another thing coming.
BS: You wouldn’t believe the shitstorm I’m gonna unleash on Derek Jeter if he ever goes back on my Facebook and changes my status from “Bud Selig is ready to party!!,” to “Bud Selig is suckin’ dong!!!:)” You guys just wait. Anyways, I just have one question, why are you making the players cut their hair, it’s a bit much.
RG: Oh, the hair thing? Well, I did it for two reasons. One being that I was jealous of Al Harris and the other guys growing
out their dreads and looking so awesome, and when I realized that I was a Ginger Child and was destined to lead a life of boring, unnatural, undreadlocked hair, I got a little pissed. And two, I was just bored and looking for a way to have the NFL being covered every day of the year. It’s not enough that our season is five months long which is preceded by a month of draft coverage and two months of mini-camp/trade rumor coverage. Ya know?
BS: Genius. Anyway, it’s playoff time right now, what have you got for us David?
DS: Well, I managed to make my archrival, Mark Cuban, suffer yet another insanely harsh wound for the third year in a row. The first year he believed he could actually beat D-Wade and Shaq, so I told those two and Pat Riley to lay down for the first two games, then turn on the jets! What a douche! Then last year I told our old friend Donnie Nelson to tank a little in the beginning of the regular season so they could pull off the greatest playoff upset in history. Classic! Then this year I didn’t have to do anything. Nobody can stop CP3 and the Hornets right now. Anyway, I just finished off the plans to rip the hearts out of SuperSonic Fan and send their team to the number 45 TV market, Oklahoma City, when I...
GB: Wait, I have to interrupt here. Why would you take a beloved team with a rich history and just put them in a market that doesn’t make sense? I just don’t get it David. Why did you do it? Why did you do it David?
DS: Why did I do it? How could I take a team out of a city and put them in an illogical market? Gary, are you KIDDING ME? YOU TELL ME WHY YOU TOOK THE WHALERS OUT OF HARTFORD AND TOOK THEM TO FUCKING NORTH CAROLINA AND CALLED THEM THE HURRICANES, HOW YOU TOOK THE NORTH STARS OUT OF MINNESOTA AND SENT THEM PACKING TO DALLAS FUCKING TEXAS,! HOW YOU HAVE A TEAM IN PHOENIX AND TWO MOTHERFUCKING TEAMS IN THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES GARY!!! Oh, what’s that down the road from here? Is that the St. Pete Times Forum I see? ISN’T THAT WHERE THE TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING PLAY GARY? THE FUCKING LIGHNING GARY!!!
GB: Holy shit Napoleon, take it easy. Let’s talk about this somewhere else, Bud and Roger have places to be.
RG: Yeah, I have a reinstatement meeting with Pacman Jones to get to.
EVERYONE: Really?
RG: NO! God, its just too easy sometimes. And even if I did, I would send a drunk Pat Summerall there to take notes. You were saying David?
DS: Well, before I was rudely interrupted, I would like to take this platform to announce the launching of my new program entitled the NBAPBAA, also known as the, “National Basketball Association Players Battling Anorexia,” program. It’s really not that big of a deal, it’s more or less an outreach program for Tayshaun Prince. That’s about it.
BS: (raises his hand)
DS: Yes Bud?
BS: Now, I know you guys give me crap for all the drugging in my sport…
RG: You can say that again.
BS: Oh shut the hell up Roger. It’s only a matter of time before the NFL goes through the same thing. Hey, at least one of my players didn’t get caught with a fake dick and a bag of urine, i.e. Ontario Smith of the Vikings with his, what do they call it, the , “Whizzinator?” (If you need background on that, go here: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2057990) Anyways, as I was asking David, I know I get a lot of crap for drugs in my sport, but how do you respond to Josh Howard’s recent admission of using marijuana in the off-season?
DS: God, I am way too baked to answer that question.
RG: I told you Ricky Williams had some dank stuff!
GB: Oh, for sure!
DS: Yea, shits definitely off the chain. Um, anyways, uhhh, what was the question?
BS: Forget it, we are at a Marlins game for God sakes. If I wasn’t tripping shrooms right now, I could’ve sworn I saw the Marlins owner Jeffery Loria send off their two best prospects in Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis.
RG: Umm, Bud. I hate to break the news to you…
BS: No I was kidding. It’s just the biggest mystery that a team has won the World Series twice, yet never won their own division with the most self-destructive owner in the history of modern sports.
RG: Yeah, who instated the Wild Card anyway?
BS: Not funny Roger. Anyways, it’s the eighth inning, we need to get going. Gary, it’s playoff time for you, right?
GB: Bud, that’s a funny name. BUD! HA ha ha! I get it!
DS: BUD! That’s a riot Gary!
GB: Yeah whatever leprechaun. Anyways, the playoffs are going excellent I’ll have you know. The break out star and one of the most recognizable and most talented young players is still in the hunt in Sidney Crosby, or as I like to call him, “The Guy Who Is Going To Bring the NHL Back Into The Forefront Of Professional Athletics In This Country.”(***)
DS: Think of that yourself?
GB: No. That’s just what everybody is saying so I copywrited it. So don’t use it! Anyways, two of the “Original Six” are still in the playoffs in the Conference Finals of each of their respective conferences, bringing some familiar faces and name to this year’s playoffs. And ratings are up a little and with these new outdoor games being played on network TV, hockey looks to be on the rise again. Coupled with the fact that the next Wayne Gretzky is coming into form as well. No controversies. No drug scandals. Just playing the game right now. Like sports should. Oh, and before I forget, when every playoff series ends, the teams still, to this day make two straight lines and shake each other’s hands. It’s some old-fashioned stupid ideal of ‘sportsmanship’ and ‘respecting your opponent’ or something like that. That’s about all that I got right now. Any questions?
RG: No
DS: Uh, no Gary.
BS: No.
GB: Okay now, great. Bud, I believe it’s you turn to give your report.
BS: Actually, the game is about to end and I’m a little embarrassed OH! I mean tired. Plus, you guys were there at the congressional hearing and have probably heard all of it by now, I’m not sure what else I can bring to the table. Any questions though guys?
DS: Yeah I got one Bud. Do you think, after all this drug scandal and everything that has come with it and most likely some of these cheaters are going to end up in the Hall of Fame, what kind of chance do you give Pete Rose, one of the greatest hitters the sport has ever seen?
BS: About as much chance as that ET impersonator Sam Cassell has with my wife!
DS: Well, the funny thing about that one is, well,…
RG: Don’t tell him David!
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That’s about all I got before I had to leave. The janitorial staff was coming after all…
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I hope you guys enjoyed this weeks poll question on the NBA Playoffs. I’ll try to make that an everyday thing. But I would Like to introduce this weeks ‘Link of the Week’ I stumbled upon this website getting the images for this weeks post. It’s a website dedicated to pictures of professional athletes getting drunk. It's pretty classy. Here is the site:
http://www.drunkathlete.com/
If you have any 'Link of the Week' nominations that feature a funny picture or video, feel free to post them on the Facebook group. You will be rewarded with a shout out and and otter pop of your choice.
I couldn't get the picture on, but check out the picures of Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash together. Also, Ben Roethlisberger is pretty funny too.
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