Yes, another NBA All Star Game has come and gone my friends. However this year, unlike last year, went off without a hitch (except for TO winning MVP of the celeb game. Just when I thought I had a break, he just comes out of the bushes BOOM!) There were no strip club shootouts, riots, or monkey knife fights in sight. However, there was one thing missing: ME WATCHING.
However, I did tune in to an event involving NBA players messing around, not playing defense, and treating the event like a glorified practice. I TOLD YOU, I DIDN’T SEE THE GAME!
But rather, I partook (or is it partaked? spell check is underlining partaked right now, and there it goes again! I feel stupid using either) in one of my favorite NBA All-Star weekend traditions besides not watching the game at all. Instead, I watched the dunk competition, presented by Sprite. And that, my friends, was probably one of the biggest names associated with the event.
Now there were other big names in the three-point contest (Dirk, Nash, and The Peja as I like to call him) and the all around bisexual shooting contest (Duncan, Stoudamire, and of course BJ Armstrong made an appearance) featuring a current NBA star, an old star from that team, and a WNBA player from that city. By the way, did anybody see David Robinson miss about seven 10-footers off the glass, but then proceed to nail the half court shot on his first try to put San Antonio in the lead? The Admiral completely revived himself there.
However, besides Dwight Howard, there was a total lack of big names at the dunk contest again this year, which is starting to become more of a tradition than the dunk contest itself. This year featured marquee names like defending champ Gerald Green, Rudy Gay, and Jamario Moon. While the dunk contest is really hit or miss some years, there were two moments that I feel defined the event for me.
1.) The cupcake
When Gerald Green’s T-Wolves teammate Rashad McCants came out onto the court with a rather peculiar white box, I was thinking one thing: “Hey, that’s a pastry box!” After the overly roided-out homophobes in the area chastised me for using the phrase “pastry box” while watching a sporting event, I was quickly redeemed when McCants unveiled the, what I like to call, “nuclear pink cupcake” from its oversized box.
“See! See! I told you it was a pastry!”
After the initial shock of seeing a cupcake, I knew that this event was going to be earth shattering. Probably because it involved all of Dwight Howard’s 265 pounds leaping from the charity stripe, which leads me to my next defining moment.
2.) The Superman Dunk.
All I can say about this is that there are few things in sports that have left me completely speechless. Among them is Roger Clemens throwing that bat at Piazza in the World Series, that skateboarder flying 50 feet in the air only to come down flat on the quarter pipe only to have his shoes catapult off his feet, the WNBA, and Dwight Howard’s dunk. The second I saw that huge monstrosity of a human essentially flying through the air and throw that ball in like he did, I witnessed a rage that I hadn’t seen since I saw Hulk Hogan pass a kidney stone. True story.
And what, you ask could make this event even better? Well, I have the solution for you right here: make it a complete freak show. I mean, if the serious players aren’t going to compete, then go the opposite way with it. It’s basically like the Surreal Life but with way bigger freaks. For example, if the NBA chooses to adopt my freak show format, I already have the first four freaks lined up to take the 2009 Dunk Contest. They are as follows:
1.) Vlade Divac
Everyone knows this guy was one of the goofiest, greasiest, hairest foreigners to ever suit up. He also had a gripping cameo in the 90’s hit Space Jam, so you know Vlade knows how to put on a show. Need I say more? So why not stage the comeback Vlade? Give the fans what they want!
2.) Air Bud
The fact of the matter is, Air Bud is an American hero. Period. Additionally, you gotta give the dog props for being the Bo Jackson of dogs with his cross over athleticism. Think about it, after he did basketball he ventured off to soccer with “World Pup” and then over to football with “The Golden Receiver”. And who could forget his Oscar Nominated performance in “7th Inning Fetch”? Plain and simple Air Bud makes Deion Sanders look like he was playing INTRAMURALS, BROTHER!
3.) The lead guitarist from the Midget KISS cover band
They are already playing my wedding, so why not? And everyone likes to see midgets fall.
4.) Dikembe Mutumbo
While odds are against him, I told Dikembe the only way he could do this is if he dressed up like Frankenstein.
So there you have it, the Freak Show lineup for the 2009 Dunk Contest. I have the feeling that this is one of those once in a lifetime ideas, like the guy who invented the urinal.
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