For those of you who missed the No. 1 Memphis Tigers take on No. 2 Tennessee Volunteers last night, I feel sorry for you.
Not because the game started out with a combined eight 3-pointers in the first six minutes of the game (with Memphis scoring it’s first 9 points with the long ball) which made it seem like this wasn’t going to be a chess match, but an all out slugfest. (think Fight Club meets a one-on-one game between Kobe and Jordan)
And not because you would get the opportunity to see all the people who paid $10,000 to sit courtside only to have their hopes, dreams, and bank accounts CRUSHED!
And not because you missed a hell of a game that featured a Number One pinned against a Number Two from the same state, Derrick Rose showing that he isn’t overrated, and Dick Vitale there to guide you through all the madness, baby!
No, I am sorry for you because you missed this halftime interview:
(if the clip is messed up somehow, go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsGCItJ7q4I)
Ever since I saw Janet Jackson in the Super Bowl Halftime Show, I have learned to stick around for a little bit for the halftime of sporting events. I don’t know what it is, but it has almost become as instinctual as breathing or sending hate mail to celebrities. (Damn you Rachel Ray!! Stop yelling in your cooking show!!) And this time I was rewarded for following my instincts.
When ESPN first cut to the halftime interview, there were a few things that the males watching across America were saying:
“Wow, she looks hot! I would definitely let her have my children!”
or…
“I wish my mail-order bride dressed like that.”
or…
“ Why the hell is Bruce Pearl there?! Dude, just mute it so we can just look at her.”
However, after Bruce pearl exclaimed, “Hold him! Drape him like this!” and got his greasy, loud, much-too-tanned hands on Erin Andrews’ top shelf, every man in America, no matter your opinions on feminism or women’s rights were saying the exact same thing:
“OH MY GOD! DID THAT JUST HAPPEN? (processing pause, …then) ATTA’ BOY BRUCE!!! I WOULD KILL TO BE YOUR HANDS!”
You see, there is another instinct us males have. Whenever we see one of our own totally go above his attractiveness scale, we are forced to congratulate him (high fives and pounds mandatory), and then proceed to get a little jealous. It’s in our blood.
After viewing the clip a few times online, I have decided that Bruce Pearl has a very expressive face, while Erin Andrews has a…ummm…face as well (I think. I’m not sure if I’ve ever actually looked at her eyes. She’s got blonde hair, right?) So I have taken in upon myself to analyze this short segment of film to tell you what they are really thinking.
EA: WHAT HAS MEMPHIS DONE TO CHRIS LOFTON IN THE FIRST HALF?
her mind: god this man smells like Slim Jims and whiskey. kill me now.
his mind: bada-bing, bada-boom! i can see it now ‘Erin Andrews Pearl’. that sounds better than a slim jim right now. oh crap the question! quick, say something awesome brucie!
BP: HOLD HIM!
his mind: great response. now gaze her in the eyes and grab that silky number she is wearing. c’mon man you are bruce freakin’ pearl. hey, it worked with pat summitt.
BP: DRAPE HIM LIKE THIS!
his mind: gotcha!
EA: OKAY.
her mind: where the hell is my mace! i never should have left rachel nichols. she would know what to do. rachel nichols is so fine.
BP: RIGHT?
EA: ALRIGHT
his mind: oh god this is on film! quick, say something ironic!
BP: UHH, THEY ARE DOING A GOOD JOB OF MAKING HIS TOUCHES DIFFICULT.
her mind: i wish I could do the same thing. that’s pretty ironic.
his mind: she so got my irony. god I am so freakin’ ironic. now ask her a question. turn the tables on her a little bit, huh?
BP: WHAT A START TO THE GAME , HUH?
her mind: ass!
his mind: did it all with no wingman!
If you stop the clip at exactly 0:06, you will see an image that will prove all of the above is true.
(There is also a Joe Namath clip if you remember where he tells Suzy Kolber that he wants to kiss her. Vintage Broadway Joe : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQqIQyT-RuM)
3 comments:
I dont think you watched the game. The real story is how Memphis and Tennessee BOTH played like DII teams. It was a trainwreck. Both teams could not set up the Box and more importantly, none could get and defensive momentum. Bruce Pearl is a joke. The real story with him should have been about how he and his greasy counterpart, Calipari, dont give a rats ass about their players behavior. Shit, Calipari is starting 3 out of 5 guys who have had run ins with the law.
Not for jaywalking, but for smoking drugs and hitting their girlfriends.
Unfortunately, the whole state of Tennessee, and the rest of the country got so excited over a game that showcased how thugs play ball and how oblivious their leaders are. That was the story.
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