Denver Sports Fans More Depressed Than, "That time Elway and Jesus were found to to separate people"

AND NOW, PRESENTING THE FIRST FTB (friends of the blog) POST BY THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND, FLICKNATION aka THE FREAK aka FLAVA FLICK THE ONE, THE ONLY ROBERT FLICKER:

As I was returned to Chapman from my giant blur that was my spring break, I looked at my phone and was delighted to see that I had received a call from “J Lenny” while I was gone. So I gave him a ring a ling, and after our casual yet breathtaking half an hour of animal phone sex that we do every time were on the phone (I was the lion and he was the cute tiger cub that would do anything to move up in the animal kingdom) Jim offered me a proposition. He told me that I was the one that he wanted me to lead the revolution. A revolution so grand that it will give Gannon Parker faith that he one day may dunk again. (If you are wondering about why I said again, you must of forgot the epic finish in 5th grade slugfest when the titans gold triumphed over titans maroon….world changing stuff). So anyways he gave me the opportunity to lead the FTB (friends of the blog) with a blog post of my own. And I had to take a moment. Why? Why has God (Jim…(we also have a lot of religion phone sex)) given me this monumental opportunity/responsibility? And even more importantly, what should I use this golden platform to talk about? There are so many possibilities….Baseball….the NBA….the NFL draft….or I could simply just use this article to rip on Adam Knaster. (I sense a growing happiness from the readers who just read that last option). I consulted my best friend about this issue…Captain Morgan. He wasn’t much help, because whenever I ask him for advice, his answer is getting naked and making out with ugly chicks. Although that may have been a good read (certainly one David Mullen would have been interested in), I felt that the blog was above such juvenile immaturities that are infested in the godforsaken MTV/Flavor Flav/Oprah Winfrey world that I love. So what then, what????

And then it finally hit me. I would tell the tale of a city and their sports fans. The woe that has overwhelmed the 303

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. (hey that IS kind of catchy, Thank you only reading the first pages of books in AP Lang. And they said I wasn’t paying attention). For the first time ever in the Mile High City, the Denver Broncos were the least talked about sports team. After another very mediocre season from the donkeys, the inhabitants of the drunkest city in America found that they can get shmammered and let that Coors beer belly hang out at other sporting events. The days of waiting for football season had ended. The Rockies were just coming off of a season where they finished with an unbelievable 21-1 streak and actually made it to the World Series (which I believe means that hell has actually frozen over). The Nuggets were proving to be the most sporadic yet also the most dangerous team in the league. Finally, the Avalanche decided that they were going to make a championship run by calling there alumni list from the Stanley Cup years and seeing which ones were still alive and asking them if they remember how to skate. But it worked, and they marched into the playoffs with confidence that the cup would be in Colorado once again. (Or possibly in Sweden as Forsberg uses it as his fruit bowl or where he stores his leftover kidneys, I am not too sure). Yes those were the days.

And then reality started to set in.

Baseball season started and the Rockies showed up as the sub .500 team they were before their miracle run. Decent offense, mediocre starting pitching, and a bullpen that might possibly be calling for me in the next few weeks. Then all the hope that is stirred within the Colorado community (probably because of all the drugs we do), turned to the playoff action. The Avalanche stormed past the Wild, Theodore was looking unstoppable and we were a confident team, truly believing that we would be able to contend with the hated Red Wings. What people forgot was that the Red Wings had been destroying us all season long. People were quickly reminded of this in the first two games of this series. And finally the Nuggets. Oh the Nuggets. Personally, I would rather have Raef Lafrentz honky-ing it up on the court, than watch a bunch of “female dogs” who are currently attempting to set a few records in the hall of shame. (Most technical’s in a 4 game sweep, most whining (currently held by the spurs), and most tattoos EVER (I can’t even tell now if the guys on our team are black or just inked up)). This is the thanks I get for, as Jim would say, tooting Denver’s horn all year round. This is the reality I faced.

This was the harshest reality check I have had since 1997, when Papa Flave (Howard Flicker attorney at law) gave me THE TALK. This is the talk that turned my world upside down and crushed every spirit in my soul. No not that talk (you sick minds). I was a lone trooper in that field with only a bottle of lotion and a roll of toilet paper to guide me. The talk I am referring to is when Papa Flav told me that because of my genes, I would never become a professional athlete and I need to concentrate on my schooling (true story). So as you may assume I was crushed. Just as I am now, a little lost boy in Southern California, watching his teams continue to lose via ESPN’s Gamecast (trust me there is no more brutal way to watch a team lose by seeing a little basketball graphic going into a cartoon hoop).
So what do I do? What do we all do in such desperate times?


Hey, there is always football season.

NFL Draft Coverage Proven To Be More Repetitive Than, "Bueller, Bueller..."

Okay, I’m only going to say that April was tough people and I thank all of you for staying with me. Like when Hillary stayed with Bill even when he did the thing with that intern and it sorta blew up. You guys have stayed with me through the tough times and you will be rewarded like when the Colorado Rockies rewarded me last October for all my years of loyal service. I appreciate how you guys keep it interesting with me, like when Rachel got back together with Ross, even though he liked her when she didn’t like him and then she liked him but then he kinda moved on with that other girl and thought he was over her but then still had feelings for her that just wouldn’t go away which made the other girl mad and somewhere along the line he got a monkey? Yeah, just like that…


I come to you al today with a recap of the NFL Draft. Now, I know what you are all thinking: “Oh boy, I love the NFL Draft and all the coverage that comes with it. I just love that guy with the gelled hair, um, what’s his name? Mel Something? Anyways, I just can’t get enough of his insights and it’s such a shame that the draft isn’t on TV and show’s like Around the Horn and PTI don’t do enough of that coverage. GOD, IF ONLY THE DRAFT WERE EXAPNDED TO TEN ROUNDS COULD MY LIFE BE COMPLETE!!!!”

Okay, there may have been some sarcasm in that previous sentiment. But, I swear on this one, if any of that rang true for you, there is a problem. Why? Because the coverage of the NFL Draft and the week leading up to it has become my least favorite aspect of professional sports in America. The fact of the matter is that they said the same thing over and over again for nine days straight, and it was getting absolutely outlandish. Now I’ll admit I watched a little bit of the draft to see one of two things:

1.) Who my team picked
2.) Who the New York Jets picked.

For a Team that went 4-12 last season, you know Jet Fan was hungrier than ever to have a good draft. However, I love Jet Fan on draft day because they have nothing better to do with their lives than to sit around Radio City Music Hall screaming at the top of their lungs one of five things:

1.) J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS!
2.) NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
3.)BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
4.) OH NO!!
5.) GWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

I love it. Don’t believe me? Think I’m exaggerating? Well take a look for yourself:




Just try and watch that video without stupidly giggling. I’m just so surprised that I can laugh so hard at another person’s perpetual pain.


Giggling aside, I’m still a little angry at ESPN for making the NFL Draft so big and giving it so much hype that there is no way the draft can live up to the drama. I guess it’s not their fault that they actually get decent ratings on this event, but there is just something wrong here. I mean, when you think about it, the draft is five or six guys sitting around a table playing one big giant game of ‘Guess Who?’

While I feel for the analysts who have to cover this marathon event for ESPN, they could say just about anything and no one can really be held that accountable for what they say because it is entirely speculative. While it seems impossibly hard to have so many opinions on so many players and what system they would fit in with what team, just take a look at this sample template that I have devised to make anyone sound like they know what they are talking about.

“Well, they need a (insert random position here) who can (insert cliché football skill), so I think they are going to draft (insert player who plays that position and their college). The team won’t tell who they are going to pick, but I think they could also go with (insert player) out of (insert corresponding college) . If they don’t go with (first player), they may also go with (insert big name player everyone knows) who (pick another cliché term. It really doesn’t matter)

Think I’m wrong? See if this sounds familiar:

“Well, they need a defensive end who can “shoot the gaps”, so I think they are going to draft Chris Long. The team won’t tell who they are going to pick, but I think they could also go with Glen Dorsey out of LSU . If they don’t go with Chris Long, they may also go with Darren McFadden who “is the most complete player in this draft.”

I swear I’ve heard that exact sentence maybe a thousand times in the past week on any sports-oriented show on TV or radio in the past week.

Or there’s this one:

“By drafting (insert player) the (NFL team) definitely addressed their need at (position)”

“ By drafting Malcolm Kelly the Redskins definitely addressed their need at wide receiver.”


It’s just so easy to sound like a draft expert, and I think it will definitely add a little more realism to my John Clayton Halloween costume. I mean, every wide receiver has “good hands” and “great speed”. A running back is either “lightning fast” or a “power runner”. A quarterback either has “good arm strength” or “makes great decisions”. That’s the reason they are in the draft. Their good hands, good speed, or understanding of the spread offense. I mean, you never see Trey Wingo say, “Wow, and the Dolphins select so-and-so from blank university. I don’t know why they drafted him guys. He has no speed, is a cancer in the locker room, and only one working eye.”

Its just crazy. It almost drives me as nuts as when college football analysts say a team plays “smash mouth football.” No I know you guys have heard that one before. What is that? Smash mouth football? Are there teams out there who don’t hit or tackle? How stupid do you think I am?

However, in that same token, I do love when an analystst says a team or quarterback has “moxy”. If anyone ever said that I had moxy, I’d feel compelled to hug them. However, with that hug, I would lose all my hard-earned moxy. Gotta love it.(for more information on this term, look no further: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=moxy)

Even as I hurriedly type this article to get it out to the loyal citizens of JSW, the cut-in line on SportsCenter was,” And Mel Kiper joins us to tell us whether McFadden will end up like Reggie Bush or Adrian Peterson? Also, will Tim Tebow go #1 in the 2009 NFL Draft?” I watched that segment due to the fact that I am currently posted up on my couch with no remote control and getting up is just not an option right now. And you know what the network had the nerve to do? HAVE TODD MCSHAY DO HIS 2009 MOCK DRAFT!!!! I’m feeling a Jet Fan-esque outburst right now. GWAAAAAAHHHHH!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! I just endured a week of “Who are they going to pick?,” and, “Who fits this need?,” and, “How many times a day does this guy take a dump? How will this affect his game?” It’s absolute horse malarkey!

I’m over it right now. Stop with the draft coverage. There is the NBA and NHL Playoffs right now. It is baseball season! Ronaldo just got caught with transvestite hookers! Talk about anything else before I loose it ESPN!.


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Side Notes:

-If you haven’t joined the Facebook group “Yeah, I read Jims blog for the articles (wink)” in order to get up-to-the-second updates on the latest happenings in the JSW Stratosphere, I suggest you get on that. Big ups on FlickNation for the hustle on that.

-It’s official, I AM A PROPHET!!! One my previous post, I said this of the NCAA Final Four Championship game: “I'm going out on a limb to say that this game is decided by 3 points or less. It will potentially be won on the last shot. I just have that feeling tonight.” If this game didn’t go into overtime, I would have definitely quit school and B-Lined it to the Sports Book at the MGM Grand and be on sports the rest of my life. No that I wanted to toot my own horn or anything…

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-I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO LAUNCH THE FTB (Friends of the Blog) PROGRAM IN JIMS SPORTS WORLD!! ON THE OUTSET, THIS WILL ENTAIL GUEST ARTICLES FROM THE INAUGURAL FTB OF JSW, ROBERT FLICKER. NOW I BET YOU ARE ASKING, “HEY, I’VE GOT AN OPINION JIM! WHEN THE HELL CAN I GET ON THE SITE?” I TELL YOU ALL THAT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CREATE INCENTIVE FOR ONE TO DO THIS, BUT IT MAY REVOLVE AROUND GETTING MORE PEOPLE INVITED TO THE GROUP AND EXPANDING THE REVOLUTION. ADDITIONALLY, YOU WILL PROBABLY HAVE TO PERFORM AN ACT THAT DISPLAYS
YOUR LOYALTY TO JSW. A PLATE OF BROWNIES OR JELL-O SQUARES WILL SUFFICE. KEEP UP THE COMMENTS ON THE GROUP PEOPLE, AND MAYBE YOU WILL GET A GUEST COLUMN OF YOUR OWN. REMEMBER, DREAMS CAN COME TRUE….

I am indeed sorry for this April drought. My first article was entitled ‘Hopefully I Don’t Hit the ‘Rookie Wall’. Thank God that didn’t happen.

Editor of 'Jim's Sports World' is asked to "...not pull this s&*t ever again!"

Okay, okay I get it. I’m sorry. I messed up. I took advantage of you guys. Listen, I just took a week off for spring break, and then I had the busiest week of my life last week. But that’s not your guys’ problem, and it shouldn’t be. However, this break didn’t go without perpetually thinking about you guys. Trust me, when I was hanging out with my friends I was thinking about you guys the whole time. I promise. I just took a break. C’mon, IT’S ME WE ARE TALKING ABOUT! But I swear I will make it up to you people. And I didn’t mean to say “you people”. It just came out like that. I just want you all to know that this wasn’t supposed to happen. I mean, here I am getting all of you hooked on the site, and I pull this on you? That’s not me guys. That’s not American.

So this week will be a pretty epic on the blog, I can’t lie about that. I have big things planned for the site, and I’m going to be tweaking some things that can get you guys involved a bit. I have received numerous constructive criticisms from people telling me to get off my couch and start taking this thing to the next level (although I will admit this is being written on my couch. so I’m not sure what to make of this) You guys know who you are.
For the first post of this week, I am going to give you guys a little something.

You may like it, you may not like it.

You may laugh, and you may cry.

You may think less of me, you may consider being my personal assistant. (I am now accepting applications. No shemales please. That’s just uncomfortable. An affirmative action process will only be applied to midgets, especially if you are a member of the KISS Midget Cover Band. I love those guys. )

You may find it entertaining, or be horrifically offended. I’m not sure what’s better.

So here’s what’s up. This past week, a I have done a number of things. One of those things was a stand-up comedy showcase for college students in St. Louis. Now since it wasn’t on YouTube, I couldn’t put it on the site, but I was able to download this weird icon that takes you to the site if you click on it.




If is doesn’t work for some reason, my set can be found here: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/events/college/watch/JimLeonardMissouriFunnyBoneRegional

Oh, and if you want to see something indsanely hilarious, check out the guy named Eric Javorski on the site. He is this really nervous guy who got plastered before the show. Only thing is he thought that his nerves would go away with each successive drink. In fact the nerves were made worse with every bvisit from Jack Daniels, Jose Cuero, and the rest of the gang. Its like Flight of the Conchords in that it is kinda funny the first time, but each time you see it, it gets even funnier. Especially when he tell the crowd "C'mon, thats funny!" Enjoy all of you.


Once again, I am sorry for my actions, and I’m just going to tell you all, to quote Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting, “Keep ya ear to the grindstone.” Stay tuned for more people.
Oh, and my prediction for tonghts game. Overall, I got Kansas, who just looks untouchable right now. I mean, they were up 40-12 on the Tar Heels, who, I have been told, was not considered to be one of the pushovers this tournament. I'm going out on a limb to say that this game is decided by 3 points or less. It will potentially be won on the last shot. I just have that feeling tonight.